Your Magenta Monday Magic.
Have you ever noticed that the more you hover over someone, the more they turn away from you?
Well, that’s what happened to my friend and colleague, Kim. We were talking recently about some challenges she has been working through with her 14-year-old son. In addition to facing the usual mix of teenage hormones and angst, his older brother had just headed off to university, and he was starting the year at a brand-new high school.
It wasn’t surprising that he was being a bit of a pill, and that he was taking it out on her… That’s what we’re here for right? 😏
At first, she took the bait, alternately arguing with him or placating him… she wanted to do what most moms do, fix things, control the situation, and make everything better.
After several failed attempts to get him to open up, she decided to let him have his space. It was a conscious decision – one that went against her typical MO. But she’s done enough of this work to know that his behavior really had nothing to do with her.
And guess what happened?
When she recognized that nothing she could say or do would help, she created some space between them. She stopped hovering and paying such close attention to everything he was doing, saying, and feeling, and turned her focus to other things. She hung out calmly in the background – so he would know she was available if needed – and went about her business.
When she stopped hovering, she created ease and peace instead of anxiety, worry and fear. And in that space, he was able to recognize where he still needed her – and he turned back toward her again.
By showing up differently in their relationship, Kim shifted their entire dynamic.
She’s not the only one – I see this happen in my own life and for my clients all the time.
The people around us get used to experiencing us in a certain way; they do one thing, we react, they do the next thing in response to us, and so on. We end up in a relationship dance. Once we change our steps, and shift our behavior, focusing not on the behavior of others, but rather on our own actions, (like Kim did) we shift the whole dynamic of our relationship.
I’ve developed a visual to represent this phenomenon over the past several years. I think of each person as a pie; when we are complete, and standing in our power, we are a full circle.
But most of us are missing a piece of our pie and we go through life looking outwards to others for validation of our worth.
The problem is, when we rely on others to fill that missing piece of our pie, we’re not ever able to feel complete in ourselves. No other person can ever possibly give enough to fill your missing piece for good. 🥺
This is something you have to do for yourself. Those of you who have followed me for long enough will know that I always say, ‘it all starts with you’.
When Kim recognized that her son had to move through his stuff on his own, she was able to come back to her own center – she didn’t need to rely on her interactions with him to validate herself. She didn’t have to prove she was a good mom by fixing him.
Once she paused and got centered in her own power – once she changed her steps – she could focus on the fact that she is a good mom, and her son was able to relax and turn towards her when he did need her support.
This is true in all of our relationships. When you constantly look outside of yourself – to your job, your boyfriend, your kids, your car, your group of friends – to fill you up, you give your power to them, and you never feel worthy on your own. The key to finding the missing piece is learning to embrace yourself.
It’s the 1° shift that makes the biggest difference over time.
That feeling of worth – the one we all crave – will never come until you can connect to who you are at your very core. Until you can love yourself unconditionally, there will always be a piece of your pie missing.
And that takes work – a lot of work. And it’s effing hard AND effing beautiful all at once. (remember both/and versus either/or?)
When you are no longer reliant on others to fill you up, you fill up your own piece – and you find peace. And ease. And flow. Just like Kim did.
And as you change the steps of your dance, everything around you will begin to shift to support you in that.
Take a minute to think about where you might be looking outside of yourself to give you meaning. And then turn your focus back to yourself. Learn to love yourself and to fill yourself back up.
That’s what this work is all about! ♥
Living BRIGHTer is...
B - Be Brave
R - Cultivate Relationships
I - Live with Intention
G - Practice Gratitude
H - Prioritize Health
T - Live your Truth
What is Magenta?
The color magenta is one of universal harmony and emotional balance. It is spiritual yet practical, encouraging common sense and a balanced outlook on life. Magenta helps to create harmony and balance in every aspect of life; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
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