If you know my story, you know that I had somewhat of an existential crisis when I was in my early to mid 30’s. Ok. Let’s be honest - it was a major existential crisis. I completely lost sight of who I was outside of being a mom. I lost my passions. I lost my purpose.
I lost myself in motherhood.
I won’t go into too much detail - you can read earlier blog posts for that - but in honour of Mother’s Day, I wanted to share a letter I wrote my daughter during this time. I had moved out of the house and was living in an apartment. One night, I woke up with this urgent sense of needing to make sure my daughter knew who she was at that moment so that she didn’t lose sight of herself and wouldn’t have to struggle as much as I was.
I thought that maybe if I knew who I was as a little girl - and if I could reconnect to that purest sense of self - then the answers I was seeking would materialize and I wouldn’t have to suffer.
It was 3:00 am and I grabbed my journal and just started writing. What follows is exactly how it flowed out of my heart and onto the paper. No edits or corrections. I have printed it out and given it to her on several occasions as a reminder of who she is at her very core as she takes another step in her journey.
It still makes me cry every single time I read it. The words are as true today as they were 18 years ago.
I love you. There are many reasons why I love you. But I mostly love you because of who you are, and who you are becoming.
I love that you took your little brother shopping and bought him a watch with your birthday money. I love that you sent $1 to Grandma Carlie in the thank you note you sent her for your Xmas gift. I love that when a lady at the grocery store dropped a penny, you picked it up for her – with out being asked to. I love how you say ‘Pardon?’ when you don’t hear what someone said. I love your toothless grin and your new purple glasses. I love how you watch out for your little brother. You laugh at his jokes; you call him ‘Cij’. I love that you still take care of your guinea pig – long after the novelty has worn off. I love how you make up dance moves when no one is watching. I love your drawings – the colors you choose, the people you draw. I even love how you have 17 purses – all of them stuffed with various ‘things’ collected along the way. I love how you love notebooks – especially the spiral bound kind – with brightly colored covers filled with phone numbers and pictures. I love how you call nana out of the blue just to chat – and call me at work just to see ‘what’s up’. I love how you are always thinking of the people less fortunate. I love your love notes. I love that when you were 21/2 years old, you gave me fashion advice on my shoes – and you were right! I love that when someone asks you what size you are, you say ‘6 slim’. I love your giggle, I love your laugh, I love you. I love that you love to have your ‘mani-pedi’. I love that you can read books far beyond your reading level – and that you love to read. I love how you twist your hair and purse your lips whenever you are tired – the same way you’ve done it since you were a baby.
You are thoughtful, kind, creative, smart, beautiful and have a heart and soul bigger than a girl of 7 years should. When you were a baby, I knew you were an old soul – someone who had been here before and had a wealth of wisdom and knowledge to share. Thank you for sharing it, for teaching me so much.
Thank you for being you.
As you get older, you will face many challenges – people who want to change you; people who try to tell you how you should do things; people who tell you how you shouldn’t do things; people who tell you that you can’t do things you know are right. When you are at a crossroads, trying to make a decision about the best path to choose – Always remember to follow your heart. After all, that’s what brought you to me. Thank you for everything you have given me – your spirit, your heart. I am in awe of you.
I love you,